Heard from a friend that there's an evil, extremely contagious stomach bug going around, that causes evacuation from multiple orifices at the same time.  Literally the same time.  Unfortunately, most American bathrooms only have one device available to handle such a situation.  Now I've been told that certain, smaller, people can manage to sit on this device, solving one problem, while leaning over and solving the other problem into the same device, at the same time.  For the purpose of this exercise, assume that you are not one of these smaller people. So the question before you is, which problem are you going to expel into the toilet, and which problem are you going to expel onto the floor (necessitating clean up immediately thereafter, of course)?  Serious replies only.

18 minutes ago, The_Omega said:

Heard from a friend that there's an evil, extremely contagious stomach bug going around, that causes evacuation from multiple orifices at the same time.  Literally the same time.  Unfortunately, most American bathrooms only have one device available to handle such a situation.  Now I've been told that certain, smaller, people can manage to sit on this device, solving one problem, while leaning over and solving the other problem into the same device, at the same time.  For the purpose of this exercise, assume that you are not one of these smaller people. So the question before you is, which problem are you going to expel into the toilet, and which problem are you going to expel onto the floor (necessitating clean up immediately thereafter, of course)?  Serious replies only.

Some of us have trash cans in the bathroom ya friggen hick

I've been there with food poisoning a few months back.  I was quick on the switch

Set up a privacy screen in a minimally used area of the backyard.  Quarantine the afflicted individual(s) within the privacy screen either nude or if weather is a factor in your area, with old "painting" clothes that you can just throw out or burn.  Wait until oral and rectal issuances have subsided for at least 6 hours, but 12 hours is preferable.  Before readmittance into the home, thoroughly cleanse the individual(s) with a vigorous garden hose spray down to remove any caked on debris or residue of his/her bodily humors.

If JohnJohn was still here he’d be telling what page to turn to 

Could be worse.

You could have a boomslang in your Christmas tree.

https://www.usatoday.com/videos/news/2021/12/15/snake-christmas-tree-unwelcome-holiday-guest/8900051002/

I would throw up in the toilet and have @Agent23 lay on the floor behind me.