Letter to Jeff Lurie

[wyote]

My Dear Mr. Lurie, 

I know how lonely you'll be if you don't regularly receive personal correspondence via the EMB, and so far kewanaeagle hasn't made it here to continue his performance of that service for you. What are you doing to do without a reliable dose of football clichés from the 1980s? Of course lots of people on this message board are willing to shout the shallow "analysis" that they heard on WIP,  but who is going to shout it at you specifically? Is this not what the rant and rave forum is for? 

But fret not, Mr. Lurie, fret not. I am here to fill the shoes of kewanaeagle. Like him, and to be fair to him he represents many other Eagles fans, I will assume that you are not even aware of what tabloid journalists are writing about your team, let alone anything going on behind the scenes. 

For example, there is a man who works for you named Howard "Howie" Roseman. If you ask around, someone will be able to get you in touch with him. Since none of us remember that you are a big fan of the "develop back-up quarterbacks" routine that worked so well in Reid's early years, we're all blaming Mr. Roseman for drafting Jalen Hurts in the second round of the recent NFL draft.  

In case you didn't see any stories about that, let me fill you in. Apparently your football team used its second round pick, which represented the second most valuable asset you had in this draft, on a backup quarterback. But you may also be aware that you arguably have a bona fide franchise quarterback in Carson Wentz, and many needs more pressing than back-up quarterback. 

As the most intelligent fans in the NFL, we passionately believe in drafting the best player available, whether or not that player fills a need. And Jalen Hurts does not fill a pressing need on this football team. For example, he isn't a defensive back or a linebacker. Did you know that little Nathan Gerry might actually be the best linebacker on this team now? Are you also aware that, um, he probably wouldn't even start for most other teams? Because WIP knows that. This means you need a linebacker. You also need a couple of defensive backs.

But as I explained above, your team, under the direction of Mr. Roseman, chose to use its second round pick on a quarterback. 

And that came after you failed to draft the receiver most of us expected you to draft in the first round.   

Thus, logically, we're all furious. Did you know that the Cowboys -- that's another team in the division, you should look them up -- drafted this guy CeeDee Lamb? A lot of people believe he's going to be better than the receiver your team drafted in the first round, Jalen Reagor, and some of those people believe the Eagles could have traded up in front of the Cowboys to draft CeeDee Lamb.

Yup, you read that right, Mr. Lurie. Your team used its first pick on a receiver who probably isn't even as good as the guy the Cowboys got and then drafted not-at-all for need in the second round. 

So we're going to ask you to have a chat with Mr. Roseman about his job security because he may have the impression that wins and losses will affect his employment status, whereas his real job is to placate Eagles fans. You see, we have no idea whether Reagor is going to be as good as Lamb, or whether Hurts will ever contribute meaningfully to this team, and therefore we want Roseman and everyone else who signed off on this draft strategy to be traded to the Cowboys for Jerry Jones. We fans always envy their draft strategy, so it's time for you to bring in the man responsible for it.

Jerruh would also bring a little of that Buddy Ryan vibe to the team. We're far too professional these days. Did you know that Philadelphia is the setting of the Rocky movies? Did you know that a lot of us identify with Rocky? For example, he says, "It's not about how hard you can hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward." Therefore, we cry so much when things don't go our way. Do you how many of us give up on your team by the second quarter of every game that they don't win in a blowout? Because we identify with Rocky. And do you think Rocky was professional? 

It's time to start drafting like Jerruh. For that matter, you need to start signing free agents the way Danny Snyder used to. Remember that? Eagles fans always envied the Washington Racists when they would overpay for the biggest, most washed-up name on the free agent market. 

If you can persuade Mr. Roseman to adopt these strategies, Mr. Lurie, you will not be receiving so many angry epistles from fans during the off-season.

They will come during the season instead.

But as you know, the offseason is longer than the season. 

So think about that, Mr. Lurie. Think hard about it. 

Sincerely, 

 

 

A man who speaks for almost all Eagles fans 

 

 

[hputenis]

You volunteered.  It is now your responsibility to post 1 per day until the board shuts down.  

[jsdarkstar]

Maybe if you put that on paper and mail Jeffrey Lurie a the Nova Care Complex, there might be a slight chance it actually finds its way to Mr. Lurie. 😀

[wyote]

5 minutes ago, jsdarkstar said:

Maybe if you put that on paper and mail Jeffrey Lurie a the Nova Care Complex, there might be a slight chance it actually finds its way to Mr. Lurie. 😀

I'm sure that would improve my chances very much and after all what I'm really hoping is that he'll read this because I posted it on here for that reason actually. 

[c_u_in_tampa]

I always got a kick out of these open letters to Lurie. Not like he reads them or even cares about our feelings, but please do vent away if it makes you feel better. 

[wyote]

2 hours ago, c_u_in_tampa said:

I always got a kick out of these open letters to Lurie. Not like he reads them or even cares about our feelings, but please do vent away if it makes you feel better. 

Thank you for your permission. I note with disappointment that your close reading of the letter has enabled you to decipher that my true intent is to vent my feelings to Lurie. You've seen through me. 

[wyote]

My Dear Mr. Lurie, 

Now that you are no longer on the hook for the considerable expenses of the old EMB, maybe you want to look into funding community-wide reading comprehension classes. I've come to believe that some non-negligible portion of the fan base struggles to identify satire no matter how obvious. This probably explains some of their feelings on subjects such as Buddy Ryan's record in the playoffs, drafting McNabb, signing Urlzakkerzz, TO doing sit-ups in his driveway, and Nick Foles being a better starting QB than Carson Wentz. 

Please forward me a copy of your team's plans for the wide receiver position this year. Exactly how many of them do you expect to have on the roster?

Let JP know that Big Jack says hi, and be sure not to eat too much fruit salad while you're sitting at home during these times. There's more sugar in that than you'd think. 

Sincerely, 

 

 

A man who speaks for almost all Eagles fans 

 

 

[MR-CYN]

Soju is bad, mmmmkaaaay.

[NCTANK]

🤣

[PoconoDon]

[Alpha_TATEr]

did you get an answer ? don't keeps us hanging on the edge of our seats like this, dude.

[hputenis]

[hputenis]

I miss the degenerate that kept this thread alive on the old board.  I’m pretty sure he wrote at least 1 caps-lock heavy, emotion-fueled letter per week to Jeffrey Lurie since 2005. 😂  maybe longer 

I kind of respect that.  He was like Andy Dufrain but not at all. No chance he made it over here but I’ll give it a shot @kewaneagle   

Nope.  Didn’t make it.  And no...he was not my clone.  

 

[wyote]

On 7/20/2020 at 4:44 PM, hputenis said:

I miss the degenerate that kept this thread alive on the old board.  I’m pretty sure he wrote at least 1 caps-lock heavy, emotion-fueled letter per week to Jeffrey Lurie since 2005. 😂  maybe longer 

I kind of respect that.  He was like Andy Dufrain but not at all. No chance he made it over here but I’ll give it a shot @kewaneagle   

Nope.  Didn’t make it.  And no...he was not my clone.  

 

He was not the fastest snail in the race, but I kind of hope that someone did show that Lurie just for him to get a laugh out of it. 

[Guest]

And I get to bring it back

 

[wyote]

Dear Mr. Lurie, 

I know you need a left tackle right now, and you know I have the weight and the footwork and all that, but I'm afraid I'm not available for a while. I got a pillow kind of turned around underneath me last night and woke up with a tight shoulder. Doug Pederson says I'm week-to-week with an upper body. 

Can we do something about this?

Seriously.

Last season I slapped myself in the forehead after some guy on the Dolphins humiliated our secondary, and the Eagles medical staff told me I had to stop watching the game because I couldn't pass the concussion protocol.

It's getting pretty ridiculous around here. Seems to me like you should considering padding all the furniture at the Novacare Complex so that no one stubs their toe. It'd be a damn shame to lose one of our 150-pound linebackers for a few weeks because of a severe pinky-toe contusion suffered in the cafeteria. 

Sincerely, 

 

 

A man who speaks for almost all Eagles fans 

 

P.S. if you see the cowona virus send it my way because I'm gonna beat that POS with a baseball bat. Getting sick of this being in my house all the time. I'm day-to-day with a bruised glute from sitting in this chair too long yesterday. It's just precautionary -- I could prolly sit and watch a full game if it was the regular season. But still. You see what I'm saying.  

 

 

[wyote]

Dear Mr. Lurie, 

I sprained three fingers typing that, and Eagles medical staff has put me on IR. I'm in a full body cast and I'm typing this by blinking at some kind of AI thing. They say I might be back by the start of next season, but I'll probably have to miss training camp. 

Sincerely, 

 

 

A man who speaks for almost all Eagles fans 

[wyote]

Dear Mr. Lurie, 

I don't know how much attention you pay to these things, but my backup on the EMB for all these years has been The Eagles Win! Now known as TEW, he originally came to the EMB as an undrafted free agent, which was quite a steal because he would have been a good fit on the Jason Garrett Cowboys. He has no starting experience, but at least he's had some good preseasons and he's been with the team for a long time. 

Unfortunately, he bruised his ego trying to move the goalposts in an argument with Dr. Philly, and now he's also out for the season.

It looks real bad, because there's simply not enough depth at this position. Unless we can coax Space Jace out of retirement -- and that's assuming he can even pass a concussion protocol after all those years of banging his head against the wall about Andy Reid saying "We're fine there" when Todd Pinkston and James Thrash were the starters -- we'll have to pick up someone on waivers. We might be able to move NOTW over to our position, but then who's going to fill his spot? 

The Patriots are shedding a lot of fans, so of course there are some guys available on waivers, but we really don't want to reach that low, do we, Mr. Lurie?  

If the medical staff really is alright, then it's high time we started making offerings to various gods at various temples, because someone supernatural hates the Eagles. I'll sacrifice a chicken to Astaroth to get us started. 

Sincerely, 

 

A man who speaks for almost all Eagles fans

 

 

[wyote]

Dear Mr. Lurie, 

Howie called today. 

He told me I've been waived injured. He told me appreciates all my years on the EMB, et cetera et cetera et cetera, but there's just no room on the roster for a guy who's going to be in a full body cast due to a triple finger sprain. I tried to explain that I'm fine, and that it's not even a cast, it's just bubble wrap, and not even the sexy kind, it's those big air pillows, so anyone with long fingernails could come and cut me out at any time if the doctors would let anyone in the room. I'd do it myself but they've got my fingers taped. I'd be back to my old self again in no time . 

Howie just said we all have it tough in the COVID-19 era. He sounded really sympathetic. He said if I manage to get back on my feet again he'd think about giving me one of those places on the practice squad where they cut me every other week for someone else.

Then he said Count Blah's in the same situation I am. I was like, Count Blah? That guy can barely backpedal! 

He said he had to go, lots of calls to make with all the guys the medical staff has been injuring. He wished me well. I told him I'm going to have his job someday, and I'll have the good sense to draft whoever the fans think I should draft, and he laughed like it didn't mean anything but then his voice was a little cold when he said goodbye.

And he called me Y-Oat for some reason. It's Y-Oat-Tee. Rhymes with "coyote." Can't anyone speak Nahuatl anymore? Even Brian Baldinger says it right these days. Even Chris Collinsworth.  

Come on, Roseman. That's no way to treat a veteran. This is at least the fourth version of the EMB that I've been on. I've lost count. I was here banging keyboards when he was just an intern. 

Well, Mr. Lurie, I can tell you, this is not the last you'll see of me. No sirree. I'll be back in the regular season. In fact, I've got DeSean Jackson on my fantasy team, so it looks like I'll be here at least opening day. And I've got another draft coming up. I might just pick the Eagles defense. How'd you like that? 

I might even start them in the bye week. Cuz that's how I roll, boss. 

You've crossed the wrong man, Mr. Lurie. 

Sincerely, 

 

A man who speaks for almost all Eagles fans 

 

 

 

[wyote]

Dear Mr. Lurie, 

Sure enough, I'm on the practice squad. ESP says it's only because of my fantasy draft skills, but he hasn't seen my game-day beer-and-pizzability. I can lead the league in calorie intake by a left inside lying-backer. 

My face paint game is my Achilles heel. I just don't have what that takes. But hopefully we can scheme around that. 

Sincerely,

 

A man who speaks for almost all Eagles fans 

 

[wyote]

Dear Mr. Lurie, 

I mean, it was the 49ers. Not the real 49ers, the ones without any of their best players. 

The positivity around here after this "win" is sickening. We might win this division with a 4-12 record, so there's that, but please don't think any of this means that we don't have to get rid of, like, every old guy on the team this offseason. 

Sincerely,

 

A man who speaks for almost all Eagles fans 

 

[NVeagle]

Dr. Mr. Lurie,

Sell the team to me.

Regards,

Time for a change.

 

 

[Guest]

30 minutes ago, NVeagle said:

Dr. Mr. Lurie,

Sell the team to me.

Regards,

Time for a change.

I got 5 on it.

[hputenis]

3 hours ago, downundermike said:

I got 5 on it.

[PoconoDon]

Dear Jeffrey,

Fire Howie.

Thanks, 

PD.