I'm sorry I brough such a depressing topic into the blog. 

A little back story without too much detail. I met my friend 12 years ago during an AF commissioning program. He was on top of the world and life couldn't  have been any better. Fast forward a few years, he found out his wife had been unfaithful multiple times and discovered 3 of his four kids weren't his...all fathered by different men. He was the most selfless man I've ever known and he loved his kids unconditionally regardless of paternity. They went through an ugly divorce about three years ago. She took everything. While thos was all happening he got a DUI and eventually an "under honorable conditions" discharge. Found work as a contractor and things seemed on the up for him. Last year both his mother and father died of cancer within 6 months of each other. He kept working and put on a smile when a lot of us knew he wasn't doing well. I invited him to come out to Las Vegas when I lived there, and I really feel like that was a bad idea because he started drinking heavily after that visit. I don't drink, but there's something about that city that can let loose demons inside someone. He gradually stopped engaging with our group of friends, even though a lot of us, myself included, always tried to keep him in the fold. He got another DUI last year. Some folks inour group of friends pretty much left him to his own devices but some of us still reached out every once in a while to check on him.

His oldest son committed suicide last fall. We think it broke him, but again he put on a smile and assured us he was good. He was always the type of guy that would never let on to him having personal problems. But some of us saw the signs, but we did nothing.

We could have helped him more. We should have done more. I just wish I could call and talk to him right now. I lost my best friend in the whole world. I want to cry so bad but I don't think it's really hit me yet. I'll probably be a mess tomorrow. I talked to his mom about an hour ago and it was the worst, most painful conversation I've ever had.

I'm gonna cry a lot tomorrow I think.

Just don't do it guys. It's a permanent solution to a temporty problem. Call somebody. Call anyone. No matter how much you believe no one cares, someone does. Don't give up.

Thanks man. I'm emotional broken

 

Haven't had a drink in almost 800 days. 732 to be exact. But I'm gonna drink tonight .

I lost my best friend in the whole world. I could have helped him. I should have done more.

F I hate this world. 

52 minutes ago, Westbrook#36 said:

I'm sorry I brough such a depressing topic into the blog. 

A little back story without too much detail. I met my friend 12 years ago during an AF commissioning program. He was on top of the world and life couldn't  have been any better. Fast forward a few years, he found out his wife had been unfaithful multiple times and discovered 3 of his four kids weren't his...all fathered by different men. He was the most selfless man I've ever known and he loved his kids unconditionally regardless of paternity. They went through an ugly divorce about three years ago. She took everything. While thos was all happening he got a DUI and eventually an "under honorable conditions" discharge. Found work as a contractor and things seemed on the up for him. Last year both his mother and father died of cancer within 6 months of each other. He kept working and put on a smile when a lot of us knew he wasn't doing well. I invited him to come out to Las Vegas when I lived there, and I really feel like that was a bad idea because he started drinking heavily after that visit. I don't drink, but there's something about that city that can let loose demons inside someone. He gradually stopped engaging with our group of friends, even though a lot of us, myself included, always tried to keep him in the fold. He got another DUI last year. Some folks inour group of friends pretty much left him to his own devices but some of us still reached out every once in a while to check on him.

His oldest son committed suicide last fall. We think it broke him, but again he put on a smile and assured us he was good. He was always the type of guy that would never let on to him having personal problems. But some of us saw the signs, but we did nothing.

We could have helped him more. We should have done more. I just wish I could call and talk to him right now. I lost my best friend in the whole world. I want to cry so bad but I don't think it's really hit me yet. I'll probably be a mess tomorrow. I talked to his mom about an hour ago and it was the worst, most painful conversation I've ever had.

I'm gonna cry a lot tomorrow I think.

Just don't do it guys. It's a permanent solution to a temporty problem. Call somebody. Call anyone. No matter how much you believe no one cares, someone does. Don't give up.

Never apologize for this

i have friends that have been to such dark places. I have only glimpsed them myself but i can understand what gets a person there…

in the end, you cant stop people if that is their goal. You cant guard them every second. We are probe to blame ourselves despite trying to be there for them. The unfortunate reality is that we usually cant stop them. Do not blame yourself. You did more than most would have it seems. 

17 minutes ago, Westbrook#36 said:

Thanks man. I'm emotional broken

 

Haven't had a drink in almost 800 days. 732 to be exact. But I'm gonna drink tonight .

I lost my best friend in the whole world. I could have helped him. I should have done more.

F I hate this world. 

As a member of a family with a history of alcoholism i understand the desire to numb the pain. There is no real relief at the bottom of a bottle, but I understand the desire. I hope you find some peace quickly, even if we carry that pain and grief with us forever. You dont move on, you just move forward with it. Thats what i have been told. I doubt your friend would want you to feel guilty or wreck yourself

1 hour ago, Westbrook#36 said:

I'm sorry I brough such a depressing topic into the blog. 

A little back story without too much detail. I met my friend 12 years ago during an AF commissioning program. He was on top of the world and life couldn't  have been any better. Fast forward a few years, he found out his wife had been unfaithful multiple times and discovered 3 of his four kids weren't his...all fathered by different men. He was the most selfless man I've ever known and he loved his kids unconditionally regardless of paternity. They went through an ugly divorce about three years ago. She took everything. While thos was all happening he got a DUI and eventually an "under honorable conditions" discharge. Found work as a contractor and things seemed on the up for him. Last year both his mother and father died of cancer within 6 months of each other. He kept working and put on a smile when a lot of us knew he wasn't doing well. I invited him to come out to Las Vegas when I lived there, and I really feel like that was a bad idea because he started drinking heavily after that visit. I don't drink, but there's something about that city that can let loose demons inside someone. He gradually stopped engaging with our group of friends, even though a lot of us, myself included, always tried to keep him in the fold. He got another DUI last year. Some folks inour group of friends pretty much left him to his own devices but some of us still reached out every once in a while to check on him.

His oldest son committed suicide last fall. We think it broke him, but again he put on a smile and assured us he was good. He was always the type of guy that would never let on to him having personal problems. But some of us saw the signs, but we did nothing.

We could have helped him more. We should have done more. I just wish I could call and talk to him right now. I lost my best friend in the whole world. I want to cry so bad but I don't think it's really hit me yet. I'll probably be a mess tomorrow. I talked to his mom about an hour ago and it was the worst, most painful conversation I've ever had.

I'm gonna cry a lot tomorrow I think.

Just don't do it guys. It's a permanent solution to a temporty problem. Call somebody. Call anyone. No matter how much you believe no one cares, someone does. Don't give up.

Westbrook#36,

I'm Utebird's wife and after he told me about your post I asked if I could respond to you. Context:I'm a clinical psychologist, and one of my areas of focus is suicide prevention. 

I am so sorry for your loss. It is so important to talk, and really amazing that you have chosen to be so honest in this post. It sounds like you are both grieving and beating yourself up. Hindsight is incredibly unfair. You did the best you could in the space/time you were in. Suicide is not about blame or fault. I hope that you have a lot of support in your life, and if you need/would like some additional resources please don't hesitate to reach out 

For anyone on this board: If you would like to know more about preventing suicide you can take a training for free at Suspenders4Hope.com. Click on Take The Training and use authentication code: preventing suicide when setting your login. 

19 hours ago, HazletonEagle said:

Philadelphia Eagles GM Howie Roseman has taken "almost total control” of the team's front office decisions and owner Jeffery Lurie has "stepped back” after the hiring of head coach Nick Sirianni. (Per Philadelphia Inquirer)

Sink or swim. That's the way it should be

30 minutes ago, Westbrook#36 said:

Thanks man. I'm emotional broken

 

Haven't had a drink in almost 800 days. 732 to be exact. But I'm gonna drink tonight .

I lost my best friend in the whole world. I could have helped him. I should have done more.

F I hate this world. 

So sorry bro. I will pray for you. 

2 minutes ago, greend said:

Sink or swim. That's the way it should be

How do we tie howie in a sack and toss him in the delaware?

26 minutes ago, Westbrook#36 said:

Thanks man. I'm emotional broken

 

Haven't had a drink in almost 800 days. 732 to be exact. But I'm gonna drink tonight .

I lost my best friend in the whole world. I could have helped him. I should have done more.

F I hate this world. 

I understand the sentiment but blaming yourself for someone else's actions is just traumatizing yourself. It  is in no way your fault. Grown adults are responsible for their own decisions not you. You shouldn't feel guilty for living your life. Life can be hard enough without inviting responsibility for other people on your plate. Let the emotional baggage go. Celebrate them for the good times and be thankful you had the time you did with them. If they were your best friend they'd be telling you the same thing.

37 minutes ago, Westbrook#36 said:

Thanks man. I'm emotional broken

 

Haven't had a drink in almost 800 days. 732 to be exact. But I'm gonna drink tonight .

I lost my best friend in the whole world. I could have helped him. I should have done more.

F I hate this world. 

If you stopped drinking for critical reasons, don't do it.  If you never had a problem with alcoholism, don't do it.  

Drinking can be nice window dressing for a social event...or a fine glass of something when relaxing alone.  But all optional and never critical.

Drinking to chase away stress or pain...that's how everyone gets into trouble, even if you've never had a problem before.  If you want to honor your friend, find the strength to take a better path.  

1 hour ago, justrelax said:

My apologies. I didn't think what you said was in keeping with how I have perceived you in the past. It's a sore subject with me.

No worries.  I could do better.  Some topics are best discussed with direct language.

2 hours ago, justrelax said:

I had a friend who had three types of cancer, bouts of dementia. He had two cats he could no longer care for, nor for himself. His medical bills were through the roof. His friends were exhausted caring for him. Half a dozen of us rotated in. My wife and I took his cats. That was the last thing that he was holding on to. When he was sure they had a good home he killed himself with a combination of drugs.

Damn anyone who considers him a narcissist.

Anyone who has been left behind by a suicide victim is going to have open wounds.  And since anger is a part of grieving, that sense of selfishness is coming from an understandable place. I'm not saying it is or isn't accurate, but they weren't trying to be insensitive; that was some of their own painful history coming out.

 

Rewatched the first half of the Eagles/Broncos 2017 game while working out today. I don't think I've ever been as optimistic about the long-term future of the team as I was on this day. Prime Carson, Doug, good players at almost every position. Crazy to think there are only like 4 guys left from that team.

Well, while we are on the topic, I might as well share the situation of my best friend.

He's one of the smartest, toughest people I've ever known.  Born in Iran, left as a refugee at the age of 9, stayed in a camp in Germany for a year, made it with his brother and parents to the US.  Then went to Yale, Hopkins for med school, and trained with me in residency.  His dad died from a stroke in his first year of residency.  This was a particular training program that was more akin to the military than a civilian job, as you are not really given the ability to grieve a loved one or address life issues.  (He always said his biggest psychological wounds came from PTSD in this environment, not even in his experience as a refugee or losing his parents).

He was a supremely talented surgeon, but would not kiss ass or back stab to get ahead...it blocked him from some truly elite career opportunities, but he still ended up with a beautiful wife, daughter, and very high paying job.  He was still on top of the world.  While he dealt with the stresses of this lifestyle exceptionally well on the surface, he always had an intense crazy side, which resulted in a lot of sloppy drinking.

Like Icarus, he started flying a little too close to the sun.  His ego started to balloon, he got involved with other women, was very confrontational with people at his job, and was going out clubbing in his mid 30's when he already had a wife/child at home with a very demanding job to balance.  He was more of a big brother to me (he was 3 years ahead of me in training and I was used to him looking out for me) and, despite a few comments, I never found the balls to really confront him about this.  I suspected bipolar disorder (which was later diagnosed).

He eventually lost his job due to these outbursts, found another, but still landed on his feet due to his talent.  Then his mom died of alzheimers.  Mid/late 30's is a bit young for an already troubled mind to have zero mentorship from the generation above.  That's when the deterioration started.  He lost his next job and had a very dramatic outburst in the hospital.  His wife had him voluntarily committed in a psych facility, but then left him and testified that he was a danger to her and her child.  

Without his parents or his family, this sparked a rapid decline that he broadcast to the world on instagram/facebook/tiktok.  He has been involuntarily committed 3 times, arrested twice, and is currently on bail and house arrest pending further sentencing.  All of the crimes involve some form of threats or disturbing the peace.

He has expressed suicidal ideation multiple times and is generally incoherent and incapable of interacting with society.  This precipitous cognitive and psychological deterioration in someone who was a true genius is shocking and tragic.  He had a lot of friends in the medical community and we've all been powerless to help.  Sometimes, many of us have a "he did this to himself" sentiment, but it's also clear he's terribly unwell.  His story has actually progressed to the point that it's been on the news and covered lightly by the media, so a lot of what's left of his inner circle has kept their distance.  His book isn't finished, but he's on a bad, bad path.  

 

36 minutes ago, Saltpeter said:

Rewatched the first half of the Eagles/Broncos 2017 game while working out today. I don't think I've ever been as optimistic about the long-term future of the team as I was on this day. Prime Carson, Doug, good players at almost every position. Crazy to think there are only like 4 guys left from that team.

It’s fleeting.  If you take the Pats and their perpetual cheating out of it you see the league is designed for parity.  Since the 2000 season the list of franchises to win it all looks like:

Ravens — 2000, 2012

Tampa — 2002, 2020

Steelers — 2005, 2008

Giants — 2007, 2011

Colts — 2006

Saints — 2009

Packers — 2010

Seattle — 2013

Denver — 2015

Eagles — 2017

Chiefs — 2019

Rams — 2021

 

It’s almost impossible with a hard salary cap to keep a championship window open for long.  Giants and Steelers each won two within 5 years, but both teams won a Super Bowl almost out of nowhere.  Funny that the Packers only title was from a lower seed.

Chiefs window might be closing with Mahomes’ contract kicking in.  If you’re a really well run organization you can stay in contention, but most teams aren’t able to.

7 hours ago, Westbrook#36 said:

Best friend killed himself last night. I feel so bad I'm numb. Wish I would have called him just one more time.

Sorry to hear that brother.

5 hours ago, Saltpeter said:

Ugh settle down on the "selfish" talk, man. You don't know what anyone else is really going through.

He's one of those best left on ignore...

AJ Brown is just plain fun to watch

3 minutes ago, DEagle7 said:

AJ Brown is just plain fun to watch

That style translates to January football too.

6 minutes ago, 4for4EaglesNest said:

 Too bad his QB’s style doesn’t.  

Yeah, as uninspiring as RT is I'd take him for this year.

36 minutes ago, Wentz_Era said:

He's one of those best left on ignore...

Awww that makes me smile. The funny thing is I don't even know who you are.

2 hours ago, ToastJenkins said:

As a member of a family with a history of alcoholism i understand the desire to numb the pain. There is no real relief at the bottom of a bottle, but I understand the desire. I hope you find some peace quickly, even if we carry that pain and grief with us forever. You dont move on, you just move forward with it. Thats what i have been told. I doubt your friend would want you to feel guilty or wreck yourself

I'm not gpnna drink, as much as I want to. It's bad medicine. 

I really want to, but I know I can't. Alcohol is my demon and it never makes things better for me.

5 minutes ago, Westbrook#36 said:

I'm not gpnna drink, as much as I want to. It's bad medicine. 

I really want to, but I know I can't. Alcohol is my demon and it never makes things better for me.

👍

Again sorry for your loss, I hope you have people close to in your life you can reach out to and I know others have offered in here and I'll extend the same, if you just need to vent or someone to listen shoot me a pm.

 

2 hours ago, Utebird said:

Westbrook#36,

I'm Utebird's wife and after he told me about your post I asked if I could respond to you. Context:I'm a clinical psychologist, and one of my areas of focus is suicide prevention. 

I am so sorry for your loss. It is so important to talk, and really amazing that you have chosen to be so honest in this post. It sounds like you are both grieving and beating yourself up. Hindsight is incredibly unfair. You did the best you could in the space/time you were in. Suicide is not about blame or fault. I hope that you have a lot of support in your life, and if you need/would like some additional resources please don't hesitate to reach out 

For anyone on this board: If you would like to know more about preventing suicide you can take a training for free at Suspenders4Hope.com. Click on Take The Training and use authentication code: preventing suicide when setting your login. 

Thanks. Like I said before. I'm numb, other that the phone call with his mom, who was like a second mom to me, I haven't even cried...yet. I know it will be worse tomorrow. I can't even look at my face ook fee because it's just people over and over offering condolences. It's just too hard to look at.