Bad movies/shows that you love

[Agent23]

@paco - Shea Serrano from TheRinger.com did a Bloodsport podcast a year or so back that inspired me to track down the film to watch it.

Also, I own the Mortal Kombat sequel if you want to borrow it

[Shepard Wong]

2 hours ago, mr_hunt said:

i remember loving a martial arts movie called kill and kill again when i was a kid. i'd love to watch it now & see how truly tragic it must be.   anybody remember that one? 

I re watched it earlier this year.  It was the sequel to Kill or Be Killed.  Both awful.  Both fun to watch.

[Shepard Wong]

I’ve spent a bunch of time since lockdown watching 70s action/crime movies of various quality.  Of all the awful ones I’ve sat through, this one may be my favorite.  Mr. No Legs.

 

[DEagle7]

3 hours ago, paco said:

OMG... The sequel.  I've only seen scenes from it but.... 

 

The sequel is so wonderfully awful.  Not only is the plot, acting, and dialogue even worse than the original, but they doubled down on CGI over practical effects. It went about as well as you would expect from a relatively low-budget film from the 90s.

[paco]

44 minutes ago, DEagle7 said:

The sequel is so wonderfully awful.  Not only is the plot, acting, and dialogue even worse than the original, but they doubled down on CGI over practical effects. It went about as well as you would expect from a relatively low-budget film from the 90s.

I just read the plot on wikipedia.  That's even a hot mess

 

The evil Outworld emperor Shao Kahn opens a portal to Earthrealm and has resurrected his queen Sindel, Princess Kitana's long-deceased mother to facilitate his invasion. Earthrealm is to be absorbed into Outworld within six days, a fate which reigning Mortal Kombat champion Liu Kang and his allies must prevent. When Kahn kills Johnny Cage during a confrontation with the thunder god Raiden, the Earthrealm warriors retreat to seek allies.

An emotionally distraught Sonya Blade enlists the help of her Special Forces partner, Jax. Together they destroy the robotic ninja Cyrax and Kitana's clone, Mileena. Kitana and Liu search for a Native American shaman named Nightwolf, who seemingly knows the key to defeating Kahn. Kitana and Liu destroy another robotic ninja Smoke with the aid of Sub-Zero (the younger brother of the one seen in the original film), but Scorpion suddenly appears, attacks Sub-Zero, and kidnaps Kitana.

Meanwhile, Rayden meets with the Elder Gods and asks them why Kahn was allowed to break the tournament rules and force his way into Earthrealm, and how he can be stopped. The answers he receives are sparse and ambiguous; one says that reuniting Kitana with her mother, Sindel, is the key to breaking Kahn's hold on Earthrealm, but another Elder God insists that the defeat of Kahn himself is the solution. Rayden is then asked by the Elder Gods about his feelings and obligations towards the mortals, and what he would be willing to do to ensure their survival.

Liu finds Nightwolf, who teaches him about the power of the Animality, a form of shapeshifting which utilizes the caster's strengths and abilities. To achieve the mindset needed to acquire this power, Liu must pass three tests. The first is a trial of his self-esteem, courage and focus. The second comes in the form of temptation, which manifests itself in the form of Jade, a mysterious warrior who attempts to seduce Liu and offers her assistance after he resists her advances. Liu accepts Jade's offer and takes her with him to the Elder Gods' temple, where he and his friends are to meet Rayden. The third test is never revealed.

At the temple, the Earthrealm warriors reunite with Rayden, and learn that he has sacrificed his immortality to freely fight alongside them. Together, they infiltrate Outworld to rescue Kitana and reunite her with Sindel in hopes of restoring her soul and closing the Outworld portal to Earth. Liu rescues Kitana, killing Baraka and Sheeva in the process, while the others incapacitate Sindel. However, Sindel remains under Kahn's control and escapes during an ambush, while Jade reveals herself to be a double agent sent by Kahn to disrupt the heroes' plans before he feeds Jade to a gargoyle for her failure. Rayden then reveals that Shao Kahn is his brother, and that the former Elder God Shinnok is their father. He realizes that Shinnok is supporting Kahn. With renewed purpose, Rayden and the Earthrealm warriors make their way to the final showdown with Kahn, Sindel, and his remaining generals Motaro and Ermac. Shinnok demands that Rayden submit to him and restore their broken family, at the expense of his mortal friends. Rayden refuses and is killed by an energy blast from Shao Kahn.

After a hard fight, Jax, Sonya, and Kitana emerge victorious over Kahn's generals, but Liu struggles with Kahn, and his Animality barely proves effective, exposing a cut to Kahn that proves he is now mortal. Shinnok, who explains that these are the consequences for breaking the sacred rules, attempts to intervene and kill Liu on Kahn's behalf, but two of the Elder Gods arrive, having uncovered Shinnok's treachery. They declare that the fate of Earth shall be decided in Mortal Kombat. Liu finally defeats Kahn, and Shinnok is banished to the Netherrealm. Earthrealm reverts to its former state and with Kahn's hold over Sindel finally broken, she reunites with Kitana. Rayden is revived by the other Elder Gods, who bestow upon him his father's former position. With everything right in the universe once again, the Earthrealm warriors return home.

 

 

 

[RPeeteRules]

A Gnome Named Gnorm.  I’m not sure if it’s a cult classic, or just a crappy movie that I like.

[mikemack8]

4 minutes ago, RPeeteRules said:

A Gnome Named Gnorm.  I’m not sure if it’s a cult classic, or just a crappy movie that I like.

 I watched that one as a kid too 

The Wikipedia plot is amazing  

Gnorm is just an average gnome, but he wants to impress the lady gnomes by doing something heroic. So he steals the gnomes' magic stones and exposes them to sunlight to recharge them. When he gets to the surface (gnomes live deep underground), he witnesses a murder and the killer ends up with his stones. Detective Casey (Hall), who was working a sting operation with the murdered man (another detective) is blamed for botching the sting, and causing the death. Wanting to catch the killer to clear his name, he teams up with Gnorm, whom he accidentally discovers. He is going to need Samantha's (Christian) help, but she thinks he is a nut. See, no one else knows about Gnorm.

 

[paco]

I read that and thought it was going to be a cartoon

 

 

Nope

[RPeeteRules]

20 minutes ago, mikemack8 said:

 I watched that one as a kid too 

The Wikipedia plot is amazing  

Gnorm is just an average gnome, but he wants to impress the lady gnomes by doing something heroic. So he steals the gnomes' magic stones and exposes them to sunlight to recharge them. When he gets to the surface (gnomes live deep underground), he witnesses a murder and the killer ends up with his stones. Detective Casey (Hall), who was working a sting operation with the murdered man (another detective) is blamed for botching the sting, and causing the death. Wanting to catch the killer to clear his name, he teams up with Gnorm, whom he accidentally discovers. He is going to need Samantha's (Christian) help, but she thinks he is a nut. See, no one else knows about Gnorm.

 

One of the IMDB reviews is kind of spot on.  "It’s gnot good.”

That plot pretty much sums it up, though it should not that g’s are pronounced instead of being silent during the movie.  That’s one of the great things of the movie. 

[hputenis]

I'm not sure if this would qualify, but "The Gate" was one of my favorites growing up.  I'm so blind to how awesome it was that I'm not even sure if it's a bad movie.  "YOU'VE BEEN BAAAAAAAAAAD!"  

Then of course........these little 'ukin gremlins.

[LeanMeanGM]

Ok, I found mine. Ridiculous, nonsensical scores from both groups.

---

MARS ATTACKS!

Critics Consensus

Tim Burton's alien invasion spoof faithfully recreates the wooden characters and schlocky story of cheesy '50s sci-fi and Ed Wood movies -- perhaps a little toofaithfully for audiences.

 54% TOMATOMETERTotal Count: 82

53% AUDIENCE SCOREUser Ratings: 436,461

[hputenis]

8 hours ago, LeanMeanGM said:

Ok, I found mine. Ridiculous, nonsensical scores from both groups.

---

MARS ATTACKS!

Critics Consensus

Tim Burton's alien invasion spoof faithfully recreates the wooden characters and schlocky story of cheesy '50s sci-fi and Ed Wood movies -- perhaps a little toofaithfully for audiences.

 

I've actually never seen this one because I've heard it's so incredibly bad.  Didn't realize Tim Burton did it either.  That's upsetting! 

[wholesale_Melvin]

31 minutes ago, hputenis said:

I've actually never seen this one because I've heard it's so incredibly bad.  Didn't realize Tim Burton did it either.  That's upsetting! 

it's a mess but it works. if you watch it like a 70s all star disaster mover crossed with It's a Mad Mad Mad World, you'll enjoy it. 

one things for certain, after watching you'll be quoting the martians left and right. 

[LeanMeanGM]

1 hour ago, hputenis said:

I've actually never seen this one because I've heard it's so incredibly bad.  Didn't realize Tim Burton did it either.  That's upsetting! 

I think it gets a bad rap mostly because Independence Day came out a few months before and they are essentially the same movie, just with MA leaning more into comedy. It's worth the watch just for the cast alone.

[paco]

10 hours ago, LeanMeanGM said:

Ok, I found mine. Ridiculous, nonsensical scores from both groups.

---

MARS ATTACKS!

Critics Consensus

Tim Burton's alien invasion spoof faithfully recreates the wooden characters and schlocky story of cheesy '50s sci-fi and Ed Wood movies -- perhaps a little toofaithfully for audiences.

 54% TOMATOMETERTotal Count: 82

53% AUDIENCE SCOREUser Ratings: 436,461

I thought bad and campy was what they were going for.

 

 

 

And the way to defeat the Martians was a callback to Attack of the killer tomatoes (Indian Love Call vs Puberty Love)

[paco]

20 hours ago, Agent23 said:

@paco - Shea Serrano from TheRinger.com did a Bloodsport podcast a year or so back that inspired me to track down the film to watch it.

Also, I own the Mortal Kombat sequel if you want to borrow it

Listening to it now.

 

Also

EVERY FIGHTER IN BLOODSPORT, RANKED FROM LAMEST TO COOLEST!

Spoiler

30- CHUAN IP MUNG

Chuan Ip Mung is just the worst. He beats a bunch of more-interesting opponents without any flair en route to getting killed by Chong Li in the semifinals. Unlike Ray Jackson’s near-murder, I can’t bring myself to care about this dude’s death. Sorry, but them’s the breaks when you say and do nothing of importance.

29- SADIQ HOSSEIN

If I had to give the "most dissapointing Kumite performance” award to someone, it’d be Bloodsport’s low-level first-act villain Sadiq Hossein. He’s got a cool outfit and some great lines when he’s goading Frank Dux at the bar before the fight, and then when it comes time to fight he’s wearing lame pants and loses like a chump. He also stays down when faced with Dux’s dukes and makes a poor attempt at a post-fight attack. The last cool thing remaining about him is gone shortly thereafter when his gold tooth becomes the property of the Kumite’s janitor.

28- FIRESHORTS

Here’s another subpar opponent for Frank Dux. Nothing really of note about this guy besides the fact that he’s got a cool design on his shorts.

27- SEN LING

This bore loses the very first match of the Kumite in a one-sided fight against Suan Paredes. The only highlight is that he gets buried in betting slips by idiots who looked at this non-descript fighter and thought "yeah, he’s got Kumite champ written all over him.”

26- WHITE GI GUY

Who let this middle-America franchise dojo owner into the Kumite? Not only does he look like the dude every mom dates after their divorce, he’s comically inept. He’s fighting a guy who uses monkey-style martial arts and swings a good two feet above the head of a guy who never stands up straight.

25- NEON BLUE PANTS

I’ll give this guy some credit for wearing neon colors to the Kumite, but he wasn’t much of a factor in his fight, so he ultimately falls towards the back of the pack.

24- BROWN SHORTS

Kudos for having a fashion statement in the form of brown shorts, but his knocked-out pose is sub-par compared to some of the more cinematic beat-up-dudes we’ll see later on.

23- RAY JACKSON

Ray Jackson sucked at the Kumite. There, I said it. Besides one easy victory, his other two matches of note include almost getting knocked out by a nobody and prematurely celebrating a victory against Chong Li (which leads to Jackson almost getting killed). His fighting style includes grabbing people who get close to him and running at opponents with his arms outstreched. Also, his sweatpants are — bar none — the least fashionable attire worn at this worldwide gathering of the greatest fighters alive.

22- NO-TAKEDOWN-DEFENSE-DUDE

NTDD’s quick loss to Chong Li would be completely forgettable, except for the fact that he takes the worst bump in all of the Kumite, falling like a tree without any resistance when Chong Li shoots a takedown. You’re in a worldwide tournament of the best fighters, dude. Pretend like you have some skill.

21- GRAY GI GUY

I like this dude’s Brian Grazer-like hair and he has a few good movies before being brained by Paco, but his drab outfit keeps him from the upper echelon of the Kumite.

20- MAROON GI

For as little as he’s shown, this guy brings it in his limited screen time. He’s got a great look , coming to Kumite with a fashion statement in mind and a neat poofy hairdo. His fight with Frank Dux doesn’t set the world afire, but it’s better than Dux’s drab first opponents.

19- SUAN PAREDES

Here’s a bit of trivia; the actor who played Suan Paredes immigrated to the US with Jean-Claude Van Damme and got signed to a three-movie deal alongside his pal. While he had a much beefier role as the main villain in Kickboxer, his career didn’t reach the same heights as JCVD. This movie showcases why. His kickboxing moves are okay, but Paco does everything Paredes does ten times better. At least he goes out memorably when Chong Li kicks his leg so hard that his shin splits in half like a piece of crispy bacon. That image scared the crap outta me as a kid.

18- SILKY BLUE GI

This guy is only shown getting absolutely WRECKED by Pumola’s backbreaker, but damn if he doesn’t look comfy as hell in the process thanks to the most leisure-friendly karatewear at the Kumite.

17- HAMMERPANTS

I like to think that Chong Li was extra-dedicated to destroying this guy for wearing the same outfit to Kumite. I don’t blame him though; more clothes equals more protection.

16- MR. MOUTHGUARD

Over the course of the Kumite, Chong Li murders a guy, crushes Jackson’s skull, and breaks another dude’s knee. This guy’s biggest concern was getting a toof knocked out. It’s called "Bloodsport,” dude. Take some risks. He’s got a cool getup, though.

15- BLACK FORMAL GI

This guy gets some props for being one of the better-dressed dudes in the Kumite and has a pretty great jumping kick, but this is where we separate the men from the boys, and Chong Li separates your head from your body.

14- TATTOOED GUY

Here’s a guy I wish would have had more matches, but he ran into the bland buzzsaw that was Chuan Ip Mung. He’s easily got the coolest body art at the Kumite, and his match is decent, considering he’s fighting one of the most forgettable dudes in the movie.

13- BLOODIED BY PACO

While it’s true that he doesn’t pull off the formal gi QUITE like his counterpart earlier in the countdown, he’s got the perfect camera-ready face when Paco knocks him out. If any newspapers reported on the Kumite, you can bet that his face made the front page.

12- TOON WING SUM

I originally transcribed this guy’s name as "Yoon Wing Sum,” as the camera only shows the matchup card from afar. Apparently, the general internet consensus is that it’s actually "Toon,” which ruins my "Yoon Wing Sum, Yoon Lose Sum” joke. Anywho, this guy is yet another victim of Paco (a VoP), but he stands apart from the pack due to this weird bobbing movement he does while in his stance.

11- BUDIMAM PRANG

Look, I understand the need to make Chong Li’s victories look impressive, but did you have to sacrifice the Kumite’s most ripped competitor in the process? Prang deserved better. He had so many more flexing moves to show off!

10- TIGHT PANTS MAN

I have a soft spot for the smaller guys in the Kumite, so this dude started off on the right foot. He also kicks Ray Jackson’s a** for most of their fight before Ogre decides to no-sell the attack and break his nose. I like to think that he was a punch away from scoring a flash knockout and shocking the entire crowd. He rounds out his skillset with his understated yet memorable outfit. Why didn’t anybody else choose to wear jeggings to the Kumite?

9- NEGA DUX

This guy has a sweet mullet (very un-Dux-like) and has a sweet sequence where he mirrors a few of Frank Dux’s moves before getting knocked out. I only wish we could have seen more of him in the Kumite.

8- PUMOLA

Pumola is almost the total package. He’s got a unique look and fighting style (though his sumo skirt leaves him open to many crotch-based attacks during the Kumite), and is great in almost every match he takes part in. Also, he’s got the perfect name since it almost reads like "pummeler.; I only dock him a few spots because I hated his fight with Ricardo Morra (the monkey-style fighter). First off, Pumola and Morra would be the coolest friends. Secondly, a Pumola-Ray Jackson fight would have been epic.

7- JAZZY JEFF

Another smaller favorite. This guy only appears in Bloodsport to get tossed out of the ring by Ray Jackson, but he really does make the most of his time. He may not have been the best fit for the formal gi, but the gold lining adds points, as does his total commitment to being thrown out of the fighting area. I’d put this toss-out up against DJ Jazzy Jeff’s best anytime.

6- JOAO GOMEZ

Gomez really makes the best of his time in the tourney. His wordless taunting of Frank Dux is epic, and he takes the competition’s best beating in the Kumite’s most one-sided match. I always thought it was weird that Frank Dux’s knockout record wasn’t set during this quick fight, but I like to think it was a way to honor Gomez’s amazing performance.

5- TINY TATTOO GUY

When I fired Bloodsport up to research this feature, I was excited to watch TTG fight. For some reason, my memories failed me and I remembered him as a guy who fought far into the Kumite. Turns out he loses in the first round to "Mr. Personality” Chuan Ip Mung, but it’s easily CIP’s best match. The movie would have been so much better if the two guys switched fates. Due to his smaller stature and kickass moves, it would have hit much harder for this guy to lose his life at the hands of Chong Li. He’s basically the Daniel Bryan of Bloodsport.

4- FRANK DUX

Here’s one competition you won’t win, Dux. While Frank Dux easily has the best moves in the entire Kumite and is pretty jacked, his outfits are meh and he doesn’t have much to say during the tournament despite being the main character in the movie. He’s a top contender here, but not quite a champion.

3- RICARDO MORRA

Huh. For all of the times I’ve watched Bloodsport, I never knew the monkey-style fighter had a name. Since he’s always shown doing insane moves, I just presumed he rolled in for a fight, finished, and sprinted out. Knowing he had a normal name and probably had to fill out paperwork to get in the Kumite takes a small amount of magic away, but he still ranks high due to his extremely unorthodox fighting style. He’s one of the most memorable fighters in the movie, and for good reason.

2- PACO

YASSSS PACO. Paco is so goddamn underrated. He’s got a sweet kickboxing style that’s unlike everyone else’s in this movie, he’s got the coolest shorts in the entire Kumite (and rocks equally fashionable pairs in every match). His finishers are second only to Chong Li, and he cheats the right way. Chong Li uses foreign objects and Hossein straight-up attacks Dux after losing, but Paco puts his arms out and Dux assumes it’s sign of respect and fist-bumps only to get attacked in the process. That’s not Paco being evil; that’s Dux being stupid. Also, the part where Paco and Dux kick each other like a dozen times in succession is one of the best sequences in the movie.

1- CHONG LI

I originally planned on putting Chong Li as one of the top runner-ups on this list, but he really checked every box as a Kumite competitor. He had great taunts, delivered the most brutal moves, was jacked, and had some great outfits that evolved over the tournament. Taking Jackson’s bandanna and tying it around his knee for the final fight against Frank Dux was the ultimate heel move.

 

[JBENT87]

damn really w all those pics?

[paco]

Just now, JBENT87 said:

damn really w all those pics?

I'll put it in spoiler tags

[wholesale_Melvin]

4 minutes ago, JBENT87 said:

damn really w all those pics?

so close to the best racist reply. i Maldito, tan cerca de la mejor respuesta racista !

[paco]

5 minutes ago, JBENT87 said:

damn really w all those pics?

Fixed it.  Just for you

 

[mikemack8]

9 minutes ago, paco said:

Listening to it now.

 

Also

EVERY FIGHTER IN BLOODSPORT, RANKED FROM LAMEST TO COOLEST!

 

I enjoyed that immensely

[LeanMeanGM]

2 hours ago, paco said:

I thought bad and campy was what they were going for.

 

 

 

And the way to defeat the Martians was a callback to Attack of the killer tomatoes (Indian Love Call vs Puberty Love)

Campy yea. I can see why critics didn't like it. Surprised about the audience score though.

[hputenis]

6 hours ago, paco said:

Listening to it now.

 

Also

EVERY FIGHTER IN BLOODSPORT, RANKED FROM LAMEST TO COOLEST!

  Reveal hidden contents

30- CHUAN IP MUNG

Chuan Ip Mung is just the worst. He beats a bunch of more-interesting opponents without any flair en route to getting killed by Chong Li in the semifinals. Unlike Ray Jackson’s near-murder, I can’t bring myself to care about this dude’s death. Sorry, but them’s the breaks when you say and do nothing of importance.

29- SADIQ HOSSEIN

If I had to give the "most dissapointing Kumite performance” award to someone, it’d be Bloodsport’s low-level first-act villain Sadiq Hossein. He’s got a cool outfit and some great lines when he’s goading Frank Dux at the bar before the fight, and then when it comes time to fight he’s wearing lame pants and loses like a chump. He also stays down when faced with Dux’s dukes and makes a poor attempt at a post-fight attack. The last cool thing remaining about him is gone shortly thereafter when his gold tooth becomes the property of the Kumite’s janitor.

28- FIRESHORTS

Here’s another subpar opponent for Frank Dux. Nothing really of note about this guy besides the fact that he’s got a cool design on his shorts.

27- SEN LING

This bore loses the very first match of the Kumite in a one-sided fight against Suan Paredes. The only highlight is that he gets buried in betting slips by idiots who looked at this non-descript fighter and thought "yeah, he’s got Kumite champ written all over him.”

26- WHITE GI GUY

Who let this middle-America franchise dojo owner into the Kumite? Not only does he look like the dude every mom dates after their divorce, he’s comically inept. He’s fighting a guy who uses monkey-style martial arts and swings a good two feet above the head of a guy who never stands up straight.

25- NEON BLUE PANTS

I’ll give this guy some credit for wearing neon colors to the Kumite, but he wasn’t much of a factor in his fight, so he ultimately falls towards the back of the pack.

24- BROWN SHORTS

Kudos for having a fashion statement in the form of brown shorts, but his knocked-out pose is sub-par compared to some of the more cinematic beat-up-dudes we’ll see later on.

23- RAY JACKSON

Ray Jackson sucked at the Kumite. There, I said it. Besides one easy victory, his other two matches of note include almost getting knocked out by a nobody and prematurely celebrating a victory against Chong Li (which leads to Jackson almost getting killed). His fighting style includes grabbing people who get close to him and running at opponents with his arms outstreched. Also, his sweatpants are — bar none — the least fashionable attire worn at this worldwide gathering of the greatest fighters alive.

22- NO-TAKEDOWN-DEFENSE-DUDE

NTDD’s quick loss to Chong Li would be completely forgettable, except for the fact that he takes the worst bump in all of the Kumite, falling like a tree without any resistance when Chong Li shoots a takedown. You’re in a worldwide tournament of the best fighters, dude. Pretend like you have some skill.

21- GRAY GI GUY

I like this dude’s Brian Grazer-like hair and he has a few good movies before being brained by Paco, but his drab outfit keeps him from the upper echelon of the Kumite.

20- MAROON GI

For as little as he’s shown, this guy brings it in his limited screen time. He’s got a great look , coming to Kumite with a fashion statement in mind and a neat poofy hairdo. His fight with Frank Dux doesn’t set the world afire, but it’s better than Dux’s drab first opponents.

19- SUAN PAREDES

Here’s a bit of trivia; the actor who played Suan Paredes immigrated to the US with Jean-Claude Van Damme and got signed to a three-movie deal alongside his pal. While he had a much beefier role as the main villain in Kickboxer, his career didn’t reach the same heights as JCVD. This movie showcases why. His kickboxing moves are okay, but Paco does everything Paredes does ten times better. At least he goes out memorably when Chong Li kicks his leg so hard that his shin splits in half like a piece of crispy bacon. That image scared the crap outta me as a kid.

18- SILKY BLUE GI

This guy is only shown getting absolutely WRECKED by Pumola’s backbreaker, but damn if he doesn’t look comfy as hell in the process thanks to the most leisure-friendly karatewear at the Kumite.

17- HAMMERPANTS

I like to think that Chong Li was extra-dedicated to destroying this guy for wearing the same outfit to Kumite. I don’t blame him though; more clothes equals more protection.

16- MR. MOUTHGUARD

Over the course of the Kumite, Chong Li murders a guy, crushes Jackson’s skull, and breaks another dude’s knee. This guy’s biggest concern was getting a toof knocked out. It’s called "Bloodsport,” dude. Take some risks. He’s got a cool getup, though.

15- BLACK FORMAL GI

This guy gets some props for being one of the better-dressed dudes in the Kumite and has a pretty great jumping kick, but this is where we separate the men from the boys, and Chong Li separates your head from your body.

14- TATTOOED GUY

Here’s a guy I wish would have had more matches, but he ran into the bland buzzsaw that was Chuan Ip Mung. He’s easily got the coolest body art at the Kumite, and his match is decent, considering he’s fighting one of the most forgettable dudes in the movie.

13- BLOODIED BY PACO

While it’s true that he doesn’t pull off the formal gi QUITE like his counterpart earlier in the countdown, he’s got the perfect camera-ready face when Paco knocks him out. If any newspapers reported on the Kumite, you can bet that his face made the front page.

12- TOON WING SUM

I originally transcribed this guy’s name as "Yoon Wing Sum,” as the camera only shows the matchup card from afar. Apparently, the general internet consensus is that it’s actually "Toon,” which ruins my "Yoon Wing Sum, Yoon Lose Sum” joke. Anywho, this guy is yet another victim of Paco (a VoP), but he stands apart from the pack due to this weird bobbing movement he does while in his stance.

11- BUDIMAM PRANG

Look, I understand the need to make Chong Li’s victories look impressive, but did you have to sacrifice the Kumite’s most ripped competitor in the process? Prang deserved better. He had so many more flexing moves to show off!

10- TIGHT PANTS MAN

I have a soft spot for the smaller guys in the Kumite, so this dude started off on the right foot. He also kicks Ray Jackson’s a** for most of their fight before Ogre decides to no-sell the attack and break his nose. I like to think that he was a punch away from scoring a flash knockout and shocking the entire crowd. He rounds out his skillset with his understated yet memorable outfit. Why didn’t anybody else choose to wear jeggings to the Kumite?

9- NEGA DUX

This guy has a sweet mullet (very un-Dux-like) and has a sweet sequence where he mirrors a few of Frank Dux’s moves before getting knocked out. I only wish we could have seen more of him in the Kumite.

8- PUMOLA

Pumola is almost the total package. He’s got a unique look and fighting style (though his sumo skirt leaves him open to many crotch-based attacks during the Kumite), and is great in almost every match he takes part in. Also, he’s got the perfect name since it almost reads like "pummeler.; I only dock him a few spots because I hated his fight with Ricardo Morra (the monkey-style fighter). First off, Pumola and Morra would be the coolest friends. Secondly, a Pumola-Ray Jackson fight would have been epic.

7- JAZZY JEFF

Another smaller favorite. This guy only appears in Bloodsport to get tossed out of the ring by Ray Jackson, but he really does make the most of his time. He may not have been the best fit for the formal gi, but the gold lining adds points, as does his total commitment to being thrown out of the fighting area. I’d put this toss-out up against DJ Jazzy Jeff’s best anytime.

6- JOAO GOMEZ

Gomez really makes the best of his time in the tourney. His wordless taunting of Frank Dux is epic, and he takes the competition’s best beating in the Kumite’s most one-sided match. I always thought it was weird that Frank Dux’s knockout record wasn’t set during this quick fight, but I like to think it was a way to honor Gomez’s amazing performance.

5- TINY TATTOO GUY

When I fired Bloodsport up to research this feature, I was excited to watch TTG fight. For some reason, my memories failed me and I remembered him as a guy who fought far into the Kumite. Turns out he loses in the first round to "Mr. Personality” Chuan Ip Mung, but it’s easily CIP’s best match. The movie would have been so much better if the two guys switched fates. Due to his smaller stature and kickass moves, it would have hit much harder for this guy to lose his life at the hands of Chong Li. He’s basically the Daniel Bryan of Bloodsport.

4- FRANK DUX

Here’s one competition you won’t win, Dux. While Frank Dux easily has the best moves in the entire Kumite and is pretty jacked, his outfits are meh and he doesn’t have much to say during the tournament despite being the main character in the movie. He’s a top contender here, but not quite a champion.

3- RICARDO MORRA

Huh. For all of the times I’ve watched Bloodsport, I never knew the monkey-style fighter had a name. Since he’s always shown doing insane moves, I just presumed he rolled in for a fight, finished, and sprinted out. Knowing he had a normal name and probably had to fill out paperwork to get in the Kumite takes a small amount of magic away, but he still ranks high due to his extremely unorthodox fighting style. He’s one of the most memorable fighters in the movie, and for good reason.

2- PACO

YASSSS PACO. Paco is so goddamn underrated. He’s got a sweet kickboxing style that’s unlike everyone else’s in this movie, he’s got the coolest shorts in the entire Kumite (and rocks equally fashionable pairs in every match). His finishers are second only to Chong Li, and he cheats the right way. Chong Li uses foreign objects and Hossein straight-up attacks Dux after losing, but Paco puts his arms out and Dux assumes it’s sign of respect and fist-bumps only to get attacked in the process. That’s not Paco being evil; that’s Dux being stupid. Also, the part where Paco and Dux kick each other like a dozen times in succession is one of the best sequences in the movie.

1- CHONG LI

I originally planned on putting Chong Li as one of the top runner-ups on this list, but he really checked every box as a Kumite competitor. He had great taunts, delivered the most brutal moves, was jacked, and had some great outfits that evolved over the tournament. Taking Jackson’s bandanna and tying it around his knee for the final fight against Frank Dux was the ultimate heel move.

 

This is one of the best things I've ever seen.  I love when Sadiq thinks he's just gonna take that smokin hot reporter with the killer 80s hair upstairs against her will.  

Also.......I can't believe I never noticed it before.  The guy that gets his knee split in half (#19) by Chong Li is Tong Po from Kickboxer.  I thought they were mistaken, but if you go back and look at the film, he has the exact same stance and fighting style in Bloodsport.  He just plays a way bigger puss.  

Finally........the lack of respect for Ray Jackson is disappointing.  He had his skull crushed in, and he chugged a beer in the hospital bed.  Look out Frank Dukes.  You may have to face Ray in 4 years.  

[hputenis]

And also........I may or may not have sent that link to almost everyone I know.  

[Bwestbrook36]

On 8/12/2020 at 12:46 PM, LeanMeanGM said:

Campy yea. I can see why critics didn't like it. Surprised about the audience score though.

I loved the movie. I think it was meant to be a spoof on alien movies and meant to be corny and kinda bad. It's Burton he likes making weird crap lol